Courtesy Cards: insurance, energy drinks, machines

Every week, there will be some “courtesy cards” that I’ll write here as a note for all of you to get a kick out of. One of my favorite primetime shows to watch is Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, especially on Friday nights when he does the “Thank You” notes. This is similar to that.

Dear Cigna Healthcare,

Thank you for making my parents pay a boatload of money for prescriptions and doctor appointments and burdening us with a $4,000 deductible that we’ll never ever pay. You’re also the cheapest medical insurance that both of my parents’ companies offer, covering visits and more prescriptions.

Dad says, “I’m a mechanic, I don’t get paid much,” and you say, “So? What am I, your mother? Do I have to take you to the doctor for your blood pressure? You’re a big boy, aren’t you? I don’t have to wipe your butt with my dollar bills, do it yourself with your own!”

Dear Monster Energy Drinks,

Thank you so much for putting so much caffeine in your drinks that just two cans can kill a college student. You know college kids will do anything to keep themselves awake while pulling all-nighters before a big assignment is due or before a major exam. I’m not saying I’ve done those things before also, which I have while studying for my Bachelor’s, except I drank tea because I hate high caffeine drinks like Red Bull and coffee. What I am saying is that college kids will try a whole lot of things to stay awake during the night, like swallowing 10 caffeine pills, possibly equivalent to 20 or more cups of coffee. And coming up with high caffeine products like energy drinks, patches and now gum is a really lame way to sell products and ge-eh-eh-eh-et kiiids to-oo-oo-oo stay a-a-wake. You’re creating insomniac zombies.

Dear college vending machines:

Thank you for not supplying me with snacks for people with TMJ disease under a dollar. You give away crunchy chips and icky candy bars that cost almost two bucks that I don’t have, and once I put my money in, I can’t get a refund. And when you have something I want, say a yummy Nutrigrain bar, you say, “Please insert more cash.” It’s like I’d have to cut off a sliver of my thumb and insert it into the coin acceptor so you can have your quarters and give me the freaking food!

Dear Tommy Tutone,

Thank you for making a phone number the most famous number in the world. It’s so popular, in fact that people can use it for their bonus cards at the grocery store. Just type in your number anywhere at a local grocery store with your area code and you can save money on grocery items, like the Halloween candy we got this year. Remember the song: “867-5309” “Your bonus card has been accepted. Thank you for shopping, Jenny!”

Dear Career Builder,

Thank you so much for posting jobs a day or two too late and jobs with links that don’t work. Every week, I try so hard to get a job as a writer, a copyeditor and even a receptionist, but no one offers to schedule an interview with me. Basically, you’re tying in with today’s terrible economy and media convergence where everyone is moving online to do things. Baltimore’s Urbanite is gone and The City Paper and Baltimore Sun could be next because you say they’re hiring and then you fool me with faulty links. Nice one, magician!

CB: “And for my next trick, I will make these jobs disappear right before your eyes! Now you see them, now you don’t! And you never will in the next decade!”

Love, your fellow customer


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