Courtesy Cards: school gobble D gook

Time for school and Thanksgiving courtesy cards! Gobble gobble…

Dear Hostess,

I’m really going to miss you. My children won’t even get to learn what a Twinkie is, let alone what the expressions “Couple of Twinkies” or “Going to a Twinkie convention” mean. Because you couldn’t sell your products enough and you refused to pay your employees enough money in this terrible economy, you won’t show your face anymore. So many kids and homeless folks will be bidding goodbye all those delicious foods like Wonder bread and Ho-Hos they get in their lunchboxes and soup kitchens.

Dear math professors,

I’m wondering how you do it these days with all the crap you have to decipher. My mother still can’t understand things like probability in gambling because you won’t explain to your students every concept that is not common knowledge. There are women over 50 who still can’t understand “a squared + b squared = c squared”.  Basically, what I’m saying is, you + math – courtesy for students = arrogant Pythagorass. Oh, and happy Thanksgiving!

Dear cheap MP3 player company,

Thank you for making such nice MP3 players at a low price and then not warning your customers that kids will steal them from your car. Also, you failed to mention how breakable they are after you drop them a few times. The quality of your products is crap too, with your small space for music and compatibility for the latest version of Windows Media Player only when I’m a broke music freak. And those ear buds? They hurt my ears just when I put them in. Next time, I’m buying more CDs and storing them in my iPack, a bag that looks like an MP3. It’ll even have an alarm on it to get people to stay away.

Dear journalism professor that will be nameless,

Thank you for everything you taught me. I’ve bent over backwards to get a great grade in your class, and yet I still can’t get a job. No one is hiring any more writers like me and you didn’t prepare me for finding a job after the arrival of this horrible economic crisis. Your discouragement also dissuaded me from getting a job with anyone. So, like the Jeff Lynne song says, “You got me out of control and sell my soul for easy education.”

Dear Black Friday,

Thank you for not giving anyone a chance to relax and recover after all that turkey. Now that you start at 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day, everyone has to leave their families to go get Christmas stuff. Sorry, but I’d rather go swing dancing to burn turkey calories than go shopping with the crazy people.

Dear Plymouth Rock,

Thank you for being here in America for when my ancestors came on the Mayflower in 1620. My family came over to my house and we had an awesome time together last night for the true meaning of Thanksgiving. I loved looting the treasure and stabbing my family in the back for the rootin’ tootin’ “The Good, the Bad, and the Munchkin” card game. I really went to town with the ever so silly “Monty Python Fluxx“, which is similar to Uno, but the rules always change with the playing of the cards.

And especially, thank you Thanksgiving, for stealing my parents away from schoolwork for dead bird meat. You are the greatest ever!

Every week, there will be some “courtesy cards” that I’ll write here as a note for all of you to get a kick out of. One of my favorite primetime shows to watch is Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, especially on Friday nights when he does the “Thank You” notes. This is similar to that.


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