Courtesy Cards: shopping and food for the holidays

In the spirit of the holiday season, here are some slightly belated courtesy cards this year. I will try thinking up some more as we go into the new year.

No posts on the 24th and 25th because the library will be closed. That is, unless I find a new laptop under the Christmas tree this year. Probably not. 😦

Dear Mr. McAfee,

Thank you for running away and hiding after yet another computer security software fiasco. Maybe now that you’ve revealed yourself in Central America, you could now come up with an actual anti-virus software that works!

Dear Kmart,

Congratulations on getting the lowest marks from Consumer Reports. Now you’ve gotten so dark, dirty and crowded that you can turn into a shopping monster that eats its shoppers on Black Friday.

Dear Pizza Hut,

Thank you for putting out a new perfume for sale at any of your locations. I’ve always wanted that pizza smell on me to impress a guy. I could come out smelling like your brick oven, or pepperoni or even mozzarella sticks. Men will love that I either stink like Chuck E. Cheese or smell so edible they’d want to eat me.

Dear frozen yogurt places,

Thank you for taking over real ice cream joints and popping up on every street corner. You also have handy dandy ice cream cups that are humongous, holding up to a pound of frozen yogurt. Lots of people fill up their cups full of yogurt and toppings and all sorts of crap, but then you trick them by charging them by the ounce.

Grand total: $20; You get: five pounds of weight on your thighs.

Dear Victoria’s Secret,

Congratulations for having the lamest fashion show to crawl the catwalks. Your angel costumes and naughty lingerie you put your models in are out of this world a la Lady Gaga. But Justin Bieber? Rhianna? Bruno Mars? Have you lost your taste in music? Well at least you didn’t hire the queen of crap music, Taylor Swift.

Dear Chick Fil-A,

Thank you for having “family nights” every month where lots of screaming kids turn one fast food place into Bedlam. At least I can go up to the man in the big cow suit and call, “Hey, Angus!” over the crowd.

Moo to you!

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