And now, more holiday courtesy cards for the New Year! (Hoorah!)
After all, not everyone has taken their Christmas trees down yet!
It’s really great that you can have everything that you can possibly want, but do I absolutely have to buy you friends and a boyfriend so you’re not lonely on Christmas?
Dear Mrs. Claus,
Thank you for keeping St. Nick so jolly 364 days a year so he can put up with all the mayhem on Christmas Eve. You deserve a toast and some recognition for everything this year.
Dear Justin Timberlake,
Thank you for giving me something to laugh at on Saturday Night Live and for that awesome movie Friends With Benefits. I still can’t appreciate your music, though. Except for “Soup, there it is… Give it on up to Homelessville!” and perhaps the “D*** in a Box”. Everything with The Lonely Island is funny. The island where you’re a mother lover on a boat, motherf–
Dear Hall and Oates,
Thank you for writing some songs bozos can sing at karaoke. You know, songs like “Bitch Girl” and “You Make the Crap Come True”.
Dear Katy Perry,
Congratulations on being one of the boys waking up in Vegas with a hot n cold E.T. last Friday night and kissing girls and liking it. You have become part of me and my teenage dream.
Dear George Lucas,
Thank you for making Star Wars a Mickey Mouse operation. But I still want to know… and I’m sure Mickey also wants to know… “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THOSE PLANS?!”
Dear Baltimore Ravens,
Congratulations on getting to the Playoffs again this year and winning last week’s game with the Colts. Your awesome team member Lewis puts the Ray in Ray-vens. We love you and we’re going to miss you, number 52!
And Andrew Luck, I’m pretty sure you ran out of all your luck this season with your fumbles. Your middle name should be Hard. (Andrew Hard Luck) You Colts have been very unlucky this year. No, no luck at all.
In fact, Mr. Luck, why haven’t the Colts changed your number to 13 instead of 12?