Dear Baltimore-Washington International,
I understand you want to put slot machines in your terminal while people wait for their flights. But why would they want to pass the time losing valuable money? Can you say “money suckers”?
Dear Calvin Klein,
Thank you for that awesome Super Bowl ad with the muscle man Matt Terry. I really can’t believe he has a six pack and real biceps. He looks like he’s enhanced by Adobe for the cameras. I’ve never seen a man like that look so cut since Chris Hemsworth in Thor.
Actually, can I have his number?
Dear Taco Bell,
Thank you for that delicious Super Bowl ad with the old people having a good time. That’s actually what I wonder what my grandparents would be doing if they were alive today. They should be having lots of fun together. I still don’t think they would want to eat such miserably flavored heart attack food at your restaurant, though, hence why I don’t eat at your place very often. Even the food you call “Cantina Bell” is no good because you put guacamole and avocado in all of your food.
Dear Gardiner’s Furniture,
Thank you for putting out that ad that if any Ravens player takes the ball back for a touchdown after a kick, you get whatever you bought before 3 p.m. on Sunday for free. I hope that after Jacoby Jones ran for a full 109 yards, you have enough money to pay everyone back.
Dear laundry detergent company,
Congratulations, you made my day with the most awesome Super Bowl ad where a guy gets a stain on his jersey that looks like a player for the Niners, but then his wife does his laundry and washes the Niners stain off his favorite jersey. You guys rule. Gro RAVENS!
I’ll bet you broke a lot of Niners’ hearts in California. Then again, a stain really isn’t worth it. Plus, Ravens are undefeated and underestimated, every time.