Courtesy cards: Oh the celebrity

Dear Kevin Spacey,

I really hope you love it here in Maryland while you perform in and produce House of Cards. You can eat some crabs, take a water taxi, visit Fort McHenry, and now you can gamble at the nearby casinos. Don’t worry, your money turns into taxpayer dollars that we can use for schools and our community. We hope we can reduce the costs of education for most students, give the homeless a place to live, and pass same sex marriage throughout the state, not just Baltimore. That is, if we do get around to using some of your money for that. Just kidding.

Dear Bruno Heller,

Thank you so much for ending season five of The Mentalist with a big freaking cliffhanger. I thought for sure you would reveal the real Red John after waiting for two and a half long years since I started watching the show. Now you say the show won’t be over until the end of season six?! Honestly, I think I’m getting a little red fever from all this red talk about Red John.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Congrats on your baby news, for I hear you’re pregnant somehow. For a second there, I thought I nearly understood you. On the other hand, I feel like I’m going to be sorry for that baby.

Dear Angelina Jolie,

Congratulations on getting surgery done to reduce your risk of getting breast cancer. That is very excellent news that you’re going to live longer. But I think we mean it when we say that you’re going to be left breast less. Your lips will be plumper compared to your chest, though.

Dear Miss Washington D.C.,

Another congratulations to you for reducing your risk of breast cancer as well. You are doing the right thing in getting a double mastectomy just like Jolie, but I don’t think it’s going to help you win Miss America because you’ve had professional work done. That is, you got rid of your chesty business rather than going up a cup size.

Dear women of America getting mastectomies,

I really can’t believe that you are taking away the one thing that separates us from men. It is also the one thing that gives healthier lives to babies. Breast milk is healthier than artificial formula! And men love seeing women’s breasty business, even though I’m not fond of it.

Honestly ladies, what’s next for this decade? Are the next actresses going to be completely flat-chested? Are women with flat chests or artificial boobs going to set the fashion?

Talk about losing our natural look to everything. Pretty soon we’ll have artificial orgasms.

Oh wait a minute, we can do that already!

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