Courtesy Cards: On the news

Dear Chuck Bartowski,

When are you going to crack down on finding this Edward Snowden guy? It sounds to me like he’s got another intersect with all of those crazy government secrets in his head. If Snowden’s head was a computer, it would be very leaky and needs maintenance. Even though he’s an NSA asset and he is pretty good looking, just bring Snowden to Colonel John Casey and let him deal with the honors of torturing.

Snowden’s a cute fugitive, but he’s not as cute as you, Chuck. He doesn’t come close to the nerdy dude in distress turned super spy that you are!

Basically, tranq him and bring him back to the Orange Orange, you know- the Weinerlicious, a.k.a. General Beckman’s secret headquarters known as castle. I just think he could be the next evil Intersect like… dare I say it… Agent Shaw from season three. Handsome, but deadly.

Dear Rolling Stone cover artist,

Duuuuude… Awesome cover! Totally rockin’ it! But isn’t that guy one of the bombers involved with the explosion in Boston? Did you take the whole rock star approach to politics a little too far?

(See, this is why I don’t want to work for Rolling Stone anymore. They’re too far gone into politics and less involved with real rock bands. That’s why I’d like to work for Spin, Alternative Press, or even Nylon.)

Dear distracted drivers,

You know I love you. You’re so special. But I have one question for you…

Do you have any idea how hard it is to stop a freight or passenger train if you’re driving down the street? You really need to pay a little less attention to your best friend’s gossip on Facebook or your “Words With Friends” with your boss or mother, or your boss who is your mother… and stop at the railroad tracks for incoming traffic!

Remember what your mommy said, look both ways and red means stop… J

Dear distracted pedestrians,

Thank you for jamming out to your music or taking a phone call while you’re walking to get into accidents and getting a ticket to shock trauma. That makes the MVA start thinking that they should start issuing people permits and licenses for pedestrians. We’ll call it the “Walker’s License”.

Dear Maryland climate,

Hot dry air and humidity all week long with heat indexes in the hundreds this July… a week before my birthday! My birthday, which I’m supposed to celebrate by going outside and being with my friends instead of sweating to death with a hot cake soaked in melted buttercream icing. And now you plan to cool off with rain this weekend and have thunderstorms coming in, making it hard for my friends and family to drive to see me or drive me places to celebrate.

Warm and wet weather all week before my golden 25th. Seriously?

Dear Parkville 7900 block,

Thank you for all those great stories I got to do this fine summer, for I plan to do even more. Thank you for Shockwave Records with the magazine, and thank you for the uber cool comic book store across the street. Now, please make me happier: get me that Doctor Who-Star Trek crossover collection from IDW and get another concert series started already!

And finally…

Dear Princess Kate,

Congratulations on the birth of the new heir to the British Royal throne. I understand a lot of boys are being born in your new family, which is awesome. I hope your son has your husband’s really good genes, including his ridiculously handsome smile, like your baby’s grandma Diana.

Please don’t tell me he can’t rule until after his uncle Prince Harry abdicates; I really don’t believe that. And hey, the royal baby can celebrate his birthday with me!

Mazel tov, Kate and Prince William!


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