November demons

Every time I hear this song, I think of how close I’m getting to recovery.

My demons are hiding, but I’m confronting them right now. Just like the Imagine Dragons song, I’m hoping someone will show me how to escape from my fears and my little night terrors that scare me awake every now and then, making me scream.

My last post might have been a little vague and a little rough on the edges. Let me explain.

In primary school, I had trouble understanding what other kids were saying to me. They kept saying things like “Screw you. (whispered) That means thank you. Now say it to the teacher.” They sounded a little too advanced for me, like they were from another planet and they spoke a different language.

They also introduced me to the word “gay”. I had no idea what it meant; my first thought was that it meant happy because I saw a little too much Gene Kelly. Singin’ in the Rain was my favorite musical back then. Then again, I also watched way too many Disney movies. (I got gushy happy memories when I heard Little Mermaid was being re released on DVD and Blu Ray as the “Diamond Edition”. In fact, that reminds me of something- my dad is somewhat similar to King Triton in a way…)

Many years later, the kids got even more cruel. Boys stuck gum in my hair when I was 14, hoping I’d soon shave my head off to torment me. But I found a way past that curb- peanut butter works magic on gum in your hair, unless you’re allergic.

Even worse was that I thought of the dumbest fashion statement I ever made. I thought if my old childhood friend could use it and make it all right, so could I. I bought a book bag on wheels.

I thought my first day at high school would be great, and it was for a while. But the second day, kids started jumping on top of my bag. And Perry Hall High wasn’t only the biggest school in Baltimore County, it was also the most crowded. So my bag rolled over people’s feet in the congested hallways.

Even the principal made a joke with me, thinking I was on my way to the airport. He said, “Is that bag luggage or carry on? Are you going on a flight?”

The shoe fell when Christmas came. Right before school closed and all students went to the auditorium for a holiday performance, The class of 2003 seniors went on stage and did their skit, going, “The first year of school that was cool to us… We pooped our pants every day! The second year of school…” And on they went like it was the 12 Days of Christmas.

When they got to ninth grade, they went, “Nine rolling book bags!” A blond girl took a rolling purple bag and wheeled it across the stage. A brawny guy went right behind her and leaped on the bag when she turned around and put a hand to her mouth. The crowd erupted in laughter.

Except me. I still can’t laugh at that because that happened to me too many times.

My first thoughts were, “I want to strangle and cut those A-holes.” I started planning to run right up there and punch the seniors in their faces, even thrashing that bag until they all got bruises and concussions. But back then, I was a coward.

So you know what I did? Just like any stupid, cowardly girl, and like a real Disney princess (Belle, Aurora, Jasmine, Snow White, Ariel), I dashed out of the auditorium and cried.

It didn’t stop there. I put up with their crap for years and years until I finally had enough. I had a nervous breakdown in November, 2003, the worst year of my life. I even attempted suicide, but that failed. Like I said, I was a coward.

But in a way, I became my own hero. I prevailed in moving on to better things junior year, I fell in and out of love, and I left those idiots behind. This is all because I got help. After all, I hoped college would be better.

And it was.

So now that November is approaching quickly, I’m going to put those night terrors in their coffins and bury them with my nightmares. A few days ago, I had a horrible night terror where a woman wouldn’t get out of the way when she snapped at me and I bit her arm… then woke up biting my pillow and screaming. Though I’ll admit it was funny because I was sleeping with my mouth guard in and I had been drooling. Hope I don’t have rabies. 🙂

See? The more I’m working with this affirmation thing, the more I laugh at myself. And hopefully that will help me finish my teen fiction novel Crossing Conformity for National Novel Writing Month, which I’ve been writing since 10th grade.

It’s been 10 years almost to the day since my nervous breakdown. It’s time to forgive and forget. Live and let live. Give a little more. Love somebody. Blur those lines.

Wait, those are song titles. Ok, enough for now. I’ll write again later.

And now, some Natasha Bedingfield to force a beautiful smile on that lovely face of yours.


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