Now that I’ve gotten all that negative energy out into the universe, here are some courtesy cards to make you smile! I know it’s been a long time since I’ve done them, so let’s see if I’ve still got the laughter for it.
Thanks for getting all those great innovative machinery ideas. We now have dancing robots and Maglev bullet trains and you want to give America those ideas for a small fee. Once we get the few billion dollars together, we can build these things and get better transportation between New York and Washington, taking only an hour to get from one place to another. I can get from the Baltimore airport to Union Station and take the Metro to see my best friend in less than three hours, or even shorter than that.
So what the frak is taking so long, America? This is a bullet train, people! It doesn’t take so freaking long to come up with the money to get this thing started and give people more jobs!
Dear Joe Flacco,
You got sacked five times in the last football game this week? What happened to you, man? I’ve been wearing my lucky Ravens necklace since you were named MVP this February. Not so lucky anymore, is it? Maybe it’s one of those Silver Linings Playbook things because I had a boyfriend when you were on your winning streak. Now that I’m single again, you keep losing. I love you to death but… What’s going on here?
Dear AMC Theatres,
You know how much I love going to the movies, but I really can’t wait any longer to see the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary special on November 25 in White Marsh. I really want to see my two favorite Doctors in different suits- David and Matt- duke it out and have a great time. Plus, I’m a huge Rose Tyler fan (Go Bad Wolf!). So why is it so expensive and so far off that I can’t buy a ticket now? And besides, when I find the time I get a ticket and I have a job that pays me enough to buy one, how will I get a ticket when both times are sold out? Besides, I need time to find someone who will go with me because I don’t want to go alone.
Dear airport security,
Please, please, please find a better way to make sure everyone is safe from psychos who want to create chaos like what happened at LAX. Don’t you have metal detectors? Use them!
You’re what?! Getting rid of the iPod? I know I used to be against them, but now I have a four gig MP3 player and I need all the music I can get and all the money I can get to buy an iPod of my own with even bigger space on it. But if you get rid of the iPod now and replace them with smartphones, aren’t you going to lose a lot of customers who love music anyway? After all, phones have a tendency to break a lot. Plus, you’re going sour. I hate to see you go poisoned.
Dear Texas Humane Society,
Please have a word with your communities that you should breed dogs to be docile. That family who euthanized that innocent dachshund for being a hyper “demon dog” should be fined and punished for such rash decisions. I have a hyper dachshund named D’Artagnon and he’s the sweetest thing ever because he loves everybody and never bites. If he does, we’ll put him on light sedatives. Until then, he’s our baby. So don’t you want pet owners to condition their pets to be sweet instead of letting them run rampant? At least get some veterinary prescribed tranquilizers for dogs so owners won’t be so overly dramatic.
It’s not the demon dog, it’s the demon owners.
Dear National Novel Writing Month,
Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to write as much as I can and as fast as I can in 30 days. Now if only I can get a job sooner.
Dear Dell computers,
Please bring back the Windows 7 so I can get one to replace Mimi:
She has very little memory space, has a constant update nagging issue, doesn’t have room for Firefox, and won’t let me listen to music on YouTube because she downloads too many ads.
I want my Simone back!