Courtesy Cards: Primetime, baby

Note: I’m going to post two sets of courtesy cards today, if anyone wants to know because there’s a snow storm coming for Maryland and I might not have internet until Tuesday or Wednesday.

Dear Seth Meyers,

Congratulations on taking over Late Night at 12:35. You’ve got it all—a great band with your old Saturday Night Live alum Fred Armisen, you’ve got an awesome set, and a long list of great special guests ahead of you. Now could you do me a favor… Could you actually find better jokes and kill the Weekend Update “straight man” vibe you have going on the show? Also, two words: voice coach.

Dear writers of Hannibal,

Really? Do you really have to televise something as gruesome as a serial killer-cannibal? Not only that, do you have to continue with a second season by placing sweet Hugh Dancy in prison as a cliffhanger? Ugh. (In the style of Jimmy Fallon and Will Ferrell) Ew!

Dear Oscars,

Movies are great, but why do you have to broadcast on television? You could do a whole movie on the whole thing and have people pay for it… Just have some people pay good money to watch the red carpet event from the big screen! You can have it worldwide in IMAX and have lots of people watch it for kicks. Then you can broadcast it to the internet through YouTube and then have DVDs sold to make even more money! (Bah-dum) That way, you can get money to fund everyone who puts out film after film, and (bah-dum) ok, I’m wrapping it up! (Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum…) I just want to say that you guys are great and you should do everything you can to make a better profit.

Dear Jimmy Fallon,

I’M SO PROUD OF YOU! SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOO HAPPYYYYYY! JAY LENO EATS IT COMPARED TO YOU!!!

No, I’m not that happy, nor psychotic. Let me start that one over.

Dearest James,

I just want to say that you make me the luckiest girl ever, being on The Tonight Show. You pierce my soul. You give me such euphoric laughter I could ever feel. Words cannot express how I feel about you. And if we ever met, I just want to express my love-

Woah! Heavy romance novel alert! Jimmy Fallon is MARRIED, with a daughter! Not only that, he’s at least a decade older than me. No way am I printing that!

Ok, this time for sure.

Dear Jimmy,

Thank you… for taking over The Tonight Show after Jay Leno’s retirement. Now you can finally take your revenge on all those other 11:30 late night shows where those old fuddy duddies talk about crap and don’t do all the fun stuff that you’re used to. You’ve really set the standard for late night shows since your work on SNL.

Plus, I’ll bet you can reprise that sketch you did on SNL when you’re 68. No, when you’re 70. Maybe between the ages of 68 and 70.

In the words of Steven Colbert: Welcome to 11:30, bitch.

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