Alas! My 15th Courtesy Card post! Ready for more hilarity?
Dear College Board,
It’s good that you’re making the SAT easier for students to take, but why get rid of the essay portion? That was the easiest part! If you want to make any test easier, make the GRE easier for prospective grad school students. It looks like the most difficult brain teaser the size of the Freedom Tower/World Trade Center in New York compared to the puny SAT.
Dear Jimmy Fallon,
Don’t get a truck. Why do you want a truck anyway, unless you want to be a redneck-like Jed and his hillbillies from… not Hollywood, but Glen Burnie? What about Jim Bob Duggar and his wife and their 19 children?
Dear Steven Colbert,
Jimmy was right, you’re wrong—Jimmy Fallon is not donating that much money to any fund. If it was coming out of his ears, maybe, but only in Penny Lane. Hey, penny for your thoughts and if I pick a penny from your ear, all day I will have… a penny.
Dear Las Vegas,
No free drinks? Really? People mix their drinks with chips all the time! And I mean ice chips, not poker chips.
Dear Maryland State Energy Drink Legislation,
It’s about time you’re putting a ban on energy drinks at last. They taste awful anyway and they do terrible things to kids under 18. But what are they going to study with? You’re basically saying that energy drinks are as bad as cigarettes so that you will only sell them to 18-year-old college students. So you’re actually hitting the snooze button on teenagers studying for finals and feeding the college students caffeine and knowledge… or are you starving their knowledge with all that caffeine and sugar?
Dear officers of the Baltimore County Police,
You know I have a soft spot for your services. A real furry kitty soft side for you guys. So I hear you’ve got a guy who can show his soft side too! I thought your picture of your officer holding a kitten was adorable, but it would be more adorable if it was a puppy, since I’m sadly allergic to cats.
Please let me know if he has a single brother!