Dear Maryland Legislators,
I applaud you for doing something about how rowdy and psychotic it gets in those hookah bars in Towson. But do you really have to either shut them down or make them close earlier on weekends? You really are harshing college kids and college grads’ buzz. Don’t you know how good it feels to be chill with your friends, rather than completely baked?
Dear kid with the soda bottle incident,
There are better ways in making explosions in school: setting off firecrackers (will get you expelled), planting stink bombs (will also get you expelled), making a plastic bottle rocket in the parking lot for your science teacher (pretty cool), or coming up with your volcano science project (lame). But hey, you chose soda bottle bombs and you’re getting the book thrown at you, so you’re good (or not).
Dear North California lottery winner,
Collecting your winnings on April Fool’s Day instead of the night it was drawn, seriously?
Dear computer whizzes in the U.K.,
Congratulations on creating an app for your phone that excrements aromas and tastes while your use said phone. Now can you please get to work on making cell phone plans accessible to Americans who don’t have the money for one, nor the energy for paying for a prepaid phone every month? After all, you guys are at least coming up with better things than the Geniuses with their Macintosh fruits of crappy tech Made in China.
Dear Miss Laurel, MD Ford Dealer,
I’ve said it before on Twitter and I’ll say it again. It should only take you three minutes to go to the bathroom before slapping your hand back on that 4X4. Took too much time wiping all that oil and dookie off your face for Fallon, didn’t you?
Just kidding, Maryland. You know I love you.
Dear Jimmy Fallon,
You got a truck, didn’t you? Good luck finding a parking space for it. Then again, you’re safer with a truck because then you’ll have fewer people trying to tip it over like those mini Smart cows… I mean cars.