I would never try to offend you. I think you’re lovely. Your characters really… turn me on, baby. Your femme fatales are tres sexy, and so are you, baby girl. I think we should play our video games where our girl characters jump in the shower and exfoliate their brains out. And then we can dim the lights and fool around. I think I’d like to kiss you. I hope my boyfriend doesn’t mind. I’d like to taste your cherry ChapStick just to try it. I’m curious for you. You caught my attention because you’re so magical. Yes, and I mean it in a Katy Perry sort of way.
In the words of Duckie from Pretty in Pink: “Do I offend?”
Dear Jimmy Fallon,
Yes, I’m writing to you again. What’s this about your baby daughter being in a bouncy hovering chair in a video where someone put a tap dancing sound effect to it? Very cute, but if you’re an awesome dad, which I know you are, get that Hashtag panda to simmer the blank down or I’ll put her in that little papoose and make her dance in it.
Dear C.J. Mosley,
Congratulations on being the Ravens’ first pick for the football draft. I understand that it’s been a long time since the team got the third pick for the draft since Ray Lewis. I know you won’t live up to being like number 52, but I hope you just don’t cry like him when you get the team to the Playoffs this year. Or not.
Dear Inner Harbor,
Thank you for getting that new water wheel installed to make the bay water cleaner by 2020. That way people can fish, swim, splash, skinny dip and make a Jacuzzi out of you… Whoops! Did I really say that? I didn’t mean it.
Dear TV news affiliates,
I’m just curious and I don’t mean to offend… Why do you keep hiring pregnant women to be your main news anchors? You know they’re going to need short term disability or maternity leave within the next few weeks to few months before their final trimester. Maybe it’s because you’re just using them as a gimmick for the “young and pretty, glowing and chubby with baby belly who get all buttery with other older women and mothers” before they become frazzled moms. But you know what I think? I think you want to buy and sell their babies as pies.
There I go into “A Modest Proposal”! Happy belated Mother’s Day, news people!
Dear Packers linebacker Clinton Dix,
Thank you for allowing me to say the name Clinton Dix, so I can refrain from using the Justin Timberlake expression, “Suck a bag of…” from the movie Friends with Benefits every time I describe a scumbag of a man.
Or I can use this in my Allison Hannigan/ Lily Aldrin voice: Yooooou sonofa biscuit!