This is an update from yesterday’s post, short and sweet:
Last night turned into a nightmare for me today for several reasons. The first thing I learned was that I couldn’t even attend my best friend’s party festivities anyway since I couldn’t get a ride home, no matter how hard I tried to work my way around it. Either way, I needed to either have my parents pick me up or I’d have to drive myself home or catch an expensive train, so I knew neither of those things would ever happen.
Then I thought to make things better by calling my boss to tell her I wanted to come to work for two hours, for it didn’t matter how long I stayed out, I wanted out of the house. But when she called me at eight in the morning today, I found out my day off was already set in stone and everyone there wouldn’t have anything for me to do there anyway. They had something else scheduled.
And as a last resort, I called a friend to see if I could change plans again, and I realized she had to be somewhere later in the afternoon anyway. So I’d still end up walking around late and alone in the cold, waiting for dad to get me home before spending another Friday night alone at home.
For six straight hours since early this morning, I couldn’t go back to sleep. All I felt like doing was crying and shouting, thinking nothing would cheer me up. I saw a stupid documentary from the Oprah Network about romantic relationships that at first I thought would make me feel a little sad but hopeful, but instead made me angry.
-Most of the couples end up splitting at the end of said doc, sad to say. The only happy ending in the whole thing really is for the story of a single middle aged man who adopts a pair of twins because he’s sick of dating to find someone to have children with- and the kicker is that he’s a fifty something year old homosexual director working in Broadway, which should have been easy for him to find someone to share his life with. Still, he’s the only happy ending in the whole thing, which I felt glad and relieved for his happiness, but also sad because he’s still single.
My angry depression lasted six hours between the phone calls and the crappy documentary. By noon, I felt all cried out from declaring that except for meals and jobs or interviews, I would never set foot outside of the house again for the rest of my life of misery. I’d had enough. I called the friend back for a quick lunch before she and her husband had to leave before work, and though I spent very little time with them, it was worth it for the moment.
This weekend, I officially have no plans. Have I ever had actual plans for the weekend most of this year? (Nope.) And now that the sadness is beginning to settle in again, I have no idea when I will again. I don’t even have any plans for Christmas, except the Monday that week I have a dentist appointment and possibly another day or two at the training position before the holidays. But that’s it.
Right now, I’m starting to agree with the holiday posts I’m seeing on Facebook, particularly the one about how as you get older, your present wish list gets shorter and your wishes for real-life intangible things that you want to happen get longer. This is true for me as well, and I haven’t even cracked my parents’ age where that kind of thing happens, usually by 35 or 45. There are so many things I want, most of all to get out of Maryland, or at least Baltimore County, before I lose my sanity.
But most of all this year, what I really want this holiday, if there is such a thing as God or holiday miracles…
All I want for Christmas is someone to hold me close and convince me that my future will be just fine. Someone to break me out of this three year long negativity funk that’s lasted since I’ve graduated college.
I don’t want it to be my parents; they’ve done enough for 26 years. I need someone else to bust through my door Christmas Day, or New Year’s Eve (even better), run upstairs and give me the biggest shoulder to cling to in my life… at least for just one night. That’s all I need.
I wish it would happen now, right this second. If my boyfriend had a car, I know he’d do it in a heartbeat. But since everyone’s distant and there’s no such thing as actual fantasy magic, it won’t happen right now.
The fact of the matter remains, though. A writer I took a panel discussion with at the Writers Conference this November (post coming soon) gave me and dozens of other starving writers like me on how to defeat desperation and writing anxiety with constant irrepressible hope in finding publishing success. Two books that are now on my wish list are her works of nonfiction Writing Past Dark and Surrendering Oz. You can find her profile on Facebook through my profile, for she has recently accepted my friend request. (Yay! 🙂 ) Read her stuff- she’s amazing.
I don’t know what to do at this point, but I will say I haven’t loosened my grip on my dreams just yet. Not yet, anyway. I hope not. I might have to see a hospital if I do.
I hope I never do. I better not.
Next time, something a little bit happier.