Waiting for a victory

As I am writing this, I’m thinking about how little I’ve devoted myself to my blogs and writing and how much I’ve been paying attention to many other things. Namely, I’ve been focusing so much on fixing what I call my “brain static”: a fancy term for my mental disorder that I’ve been battling for more than a decade. Well, I’m finally getting the help, it’s just difficult, since people keep telling me, “We want to help you and we have so many things we could try… But that just means you would have to leave and go see someone else about a couple of these things, or you could ‘wait and see’ if you prefer that. :)”

Isn’t that just lovely? (Insert sarcastic smiley face.)

What I’ve been doing a whole bunch lately is writing any of my weird thoughts and negative extreme-isms in a tiny notebook with the cover reading: “Change your thoughts and you change your world,” purchased at a nearby ‘dollar’ store*.

(*In case you’re the curious reader outside of Maryland or United States: it’s a convenience store with groceries, greeting cards, gifts & toys, soaps, books, balloons/ gift wrap and all kinds of bric-a-brac you can buy for $1 or less; there are dozens of them all over Baltimore. Hence its name, ‘dollar store’, with various chains all over town, with the exception of Dollar General, in which mostly everything in there costs much more than just a dollar.)

Now, on the flip-side, I haven’t been sharing any of those dark thoughts with any of my dear readers, mainly because they tend to stray towards a personal level. However, a few of these thoughts do center around the struggles of being a writer, just generally.

If you remember one of my earlier posts that I wrote in the last couple months or so, (see “Author’s Delayed Devotion” here >>>), you remember when I quoted back a little bit of one of the best panels I’ve ever been to, lead by author Bonnie Friedman. (Best $75 ever spent at the Baltimore Writers’ Conference!) She said to everyone participating in her panel to, “create joy in your writing,” of which I have been creating everything else but that.

You can call my condition ‘anxiety’, ‘depression’, or even Bipolar Disorder; I’m sure I’ve said some other unspeakable things about true experiences that caused me more grief than relief (“It’s Dream Day…“) and the scary, fearful thoughts of failure that I have outlined in many various posts. Plus, the last time I’ve ever written more than two or three posts in a single month was back in March and April of last year, 2014.

More than a year has gone by, and between February, 2015 and now, my dad had just bought a new Wi-Fi account for the house and I still haven’t kept my promises of writing at least one post a week. To make matters worse, I’ve just learned that the Wi-Fi has been turned off due to lack of funds. (Insert GlaDOS voice: “And intelligence.”)

Courtesy of Wiki and Portal/ Portal 2 games.

Courtesy of Wiki and Portal/ Portal 2 games.

So… I guess it’s back to relying on the public library computers and Wi-Fi again, and I still can’t figure out my new tablet! (21st century technology sucks.)

Then again, I could probably manage, because next week I’m starting a new training position that promises to help me tame my unknown mental disorder and get ready for a brand new job that will hopefully get me somewhere. It’s a good thing to put on my resume, but I’m still waiting…

Until further notice, I’m going to try to write as quickly as my fingers can carry so I can keep you updated on any further posts. Hopefully when the Wi-Fi is back up and running (soon), I’ll make the effort a little better next time and post as soon as I have the time. 

My posts are usually long and lengthy as you may have noticed, but that’s only because I have very little room or time to keep everyone up-to-date with the struggling writing life. On the more positive light, I’m hoping to start my brand new training position with a state-funded center for people with disabilities similar to mine tomorrow (that’s Tuesday, June 23rd, if you’re just reading this now on Monday morning.) I have an appointment today at around noon to see whether or not I can live on their campus for an easier transition in the working and independent living world, and if I’m stable enough to start immediately.

The past few weeks have been extremely frustrating, and all I hope is to get all of this tension out of my system and just move on… and move out. 🙂 It feels like centuries that I’ve been waiting to do something with my life, something useful or extraordinary. And yet, I feel crappy that all I’ve done was work towards failures.

I scavenged for jobs for four years, using Career Builder, my e-mail account, staffing agencies, even Craig’s List. None of them worked. Also according to my resume, I’m overqualified to even flip burgers at a fast food chain, and under-qualified to work as an assistant manager at one of my favorite stores at the mall, such as Hot Topic or H&M. (All the high school and college students get those jobs!)

I lost a beloved pet, I’m losing touch with most of my friends in Baltimore, I’m running out of options to eat and/ or just “be merry” at the places I used to go, and it feels like so many things are ticking me off this year. I don’t know if I even have enough money to buy myself anything for my 27th birthday next month… I’ve never had a surprise party in my life either, with the way so many of my friends have been busy with life elsewhere.

Even when I try to reconnect with people I knew from college or high school, I eventually find the time being wasted for reasons undisclosed, or just because “life happens,” which is usually all the time. Forget getting a boyfriend, how can a guy expect me to commit when he knows I have no income and no driver’s license?

As for me, I basically have nothing but my scary brain static that turns me into a hate-seething, raging, snarling monster.

Courtesy of collider.com.

Courtesy of collider.com.

Like Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) said in Iron Man 3, “You start with something pure, something extraordinary, then come the mistakes… We create our own demons.”

All I’m waiting for right now is just one little victory. That’s all I’m asking for, plus my strong desire to get rid of those demons I unleash at others before I turn them inward onto me. Because it’s a shame to know that I’m not allowed any wishful thinking, the same as how I’m not allowed any victories, ever.

Can I have just one last simple sip of happiness? Isn’t America the land of the free?

tiffany silver

From Silver Linings Playbook, dir. David O. Russell, 2013

Maybe in this case, “Land of the Free” only entails to people who have lots of spending cash. You can’t get freedom unless you are a ‘paying customer’.

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All I’ve ever wanted was to believe Matthew Quick’s story that made Jennifer Lawrence an Oscar-winning actress. That there really are silver linings on clouds.

“That’s a feeling.”

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