First days of NaNo

The current financial state of Maryland

Here’s what happens whenever I go to Wendy’s.

Me: Hi, can I get a small fries and a chocolate Frosty?

Cashier: That’ll be $4.11.

Inner voice: Hey, Rachel, money’s really tight and there’s no food at home. There isn’t any peanut butter to make your peanut butter sandwich for lunch when you go to the library after your appointment tomorrow. So you better cut the price down and try not to spend so much money when you’re out somewhere.

Me: Actually, forget the fries. Can I just get a small chocolate Frosty?

Cashier: $1.59 plus tax.

Inner Voice: Rachel, that’s still too much money. You only have five dollars. You need to save all the money you can to get a sandwich when your mom gives you money. You need that extra five dollars to pay for a six dollar sandwich. Do you know how much a sandwich at Subway costs now? It’s almost seven or eight bucks. You need that five dollar bill in case your mom doesn’t have that extra seven dollars to give you when you go to your appointment.

Me: You know what, forget that order. Can I just get a bag of crumbs and some water?

Cashier: We don’t have anything like that we can give you. Also, we can’t give you just water unless you buy the cup from us. It’s 20 cents for a small cup of water.

Inner voice: Come on, money’s really tight, you don’t want to spend that money you use for the bus. You need all that spare change so you can take a day pass. Day passes cost $2.10 in this state, and it’s even higher in D.C. Also, what if your boyfriend doesn’t have enough money for dinner when he sees you? What if your boyfriend’s mother starts getting angry because you’re not paying your way for your food when you get to trivia? You have to eat when you’re out with your boyfriend, and even then, you can’t make him spend more than $10.

Me: All right, I don’t want to starve today, but I guess I’m going to continue having this hunger headache. You should be ashamed of yourself for charging so much for so little food. I’m not paying you a goddamn thing for your crappy fast food. Go f–k yourself, asshole. *leaves, still hungry, still in pain, and depressed

Inner voice: Good job, darling. Now you have enough money for tomorrow! Hey, if you starve yourself enough, you might even get to your goal weight, and maybe you’ll have money to go get more supplies for your crochet things you want to sell on Etsy. But at this rate, no one will ever buy your beautiful crochet designs except you because you’re an idiot and you’re a total ugly and evil frigid bitch.

Me: Shut the hell up, inner voice.

Of course, as you know, this didn’t happen. I haven’t been to Wendy’s in weeks and I know they’re going to charge me $4 for fries and ice cream if I go there. So I really don’t go there unless I have the money for one day and the next day if I’m really careful. And I’ve never screamed at any of the staff there.

Not really. I’ve only screamed at myself.

But honestly, I hate to talk about this kind of thing on the second day of November writing month. It is ridiculously warm outside and I feel like crap right now, I don’t know why. I’ve been having a headache all day. All week for the past two weeks for that matter, ever since I got a flu shot.

Or maybe it’s because I desperately need new pillows. But I’m still not writing my Christmas list until Thanksgiving. That is final.

Well, I’m going to try not to get myself down too early in the writing marathon yet. I’ve already decided that I should be rant free most days because I want to concentrate on writing. I’m not going to get angry with hospital or store/ restaurant staff because of something I feel is not courteous or I’m not being treated fairly. When bad music is playing, I’m putting on my headphones without bitching.

I just hope I don’t have to worry too much about money, since I’ve got none.

And I really need to focus on sending out more query letters and job applications, because the unemployment stress is killing me. I don’t want to be unemployed and depressed. It’s worse than being hungry and depressed at the same time, which does happen to me occasionally.

Write well, NaNos.

-The Lady in the Blue Box

Playlist selection- a song that was stuck in my head this morning

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