Ok, so some emotional stuff went on during the week leading to Thanksgiving, and it’s still continuing. I don’t even know if I’ll have the energy and positive thought and light to walk to the library again on the last day of NaNoWriMo. I’d rather not talk about the emotional bits.

Today was hell. It was 60 degrees and sunny, and three people gave me compliments on my crochet things (I wore my purple and black ribbon “Ravens” hat and matching basketweave scarf, and my little peacock colored fingerless mitts that I all made by hand), but it was still a shit day.

I haven’t seen my therapist in two weeks. I really needed to see her today. But on Monday, she was scheduled for vacation, and today, Wednesday the 29th, she was forced to go to court because of the thing I hate most about being a registered voter that all the elementary school kids made fun of the teachers for doing in the worst way: “Jury duty! Jury duty! JURY DOOOOOODIE!”

Just thinking about the kids in my first grade art class singing that in my ears makes me want to scream. I loved my art teacher in first grade at Carney Elementary, she was nice. She would give me little pages from her page a day calendar that had beautiful Monet paintings on them. So when I heard she was going to court for jury, I missed her and I wanted those other kids to shut up and take some Ritalin.

The crap day did not end there. I had myself signed in to the hospital system so I could get my doctor’s physical out of the way, and though my appointment was for 1 p.m., I hoped the doctor would come in early to check my weight and blood pressure. I’ve been exercising more and I’ve been very careful with eating, even on the fall holiday this month. I didn’t overeat too much turkey or pie.

But when I went to the front desk, the stupid receptionist said, “She won’t be in until after one.” I was about ready to unleash my cursing spewing tongue. But of course, I didn’t unleash it.

But I still didn’t go to the appointment. If I had waited hours and hours (I have to get up at 6 a.m. to go to Franklin Square Hospital for all of my appointments, today I made my mother late for work), I would never have gotten to Towson in time to check my email, check Etsy for the hundredth time, check Facebook, take out some books, write a blog post, and if I’m lucky, write a few more paragraphs of my novel before my parents leave work.

This is why I only do morning appointments with ALL doctors. I refuse to do any afternoon appointments. I want to get all this done and out of the way so I can get back to career hunting and writing.

So I rescheduled for December on that appointment. And I got on the bus to get to Towson. Finally, I could take a breath.

But no, more bad news. My Fire is on 29 percent battery, which is impossible because I put it on sleep mode and left it in my bag all the way to the library. What, did I shake it and turned it back on that way?

And I also checked the email since I normally do so when the library wifi is working: there’s a message on my inbox from one of the positions I applied to: Sorry, Rachel, you’re not right for us. You’re not qualified enough for the job.

I’m sorry I have to say this, but, WHY?! Why won’t you hire me? Is it because you’re not an Equal Opportunity Employer and you think that because of my disability, you don’t want someone who is mentally ill to work for you?!!! I’m normally good natured at work! Just ask my former boss at Arrow! They liked me, even though I was a temp!

Looks like I’ll never win at anything. Not even getting an agent. Not getting published. Not getting a job. I’ll never win at life.

Didn’t I win this, though? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. A couple days ago during the weekend, I wrote a total of 4,000 words in a single night, and then yesterday, I wrote another 2,000 words of my novel.

I have 51,000 words total. I just won my first ever NaNoWriMo since I signed up for it in 2012. Five years, I’ve never won November, until now. I still don’t know how I did it.

And yet, I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. Stephanie Strange is now at 40,800 words total, and if I do submit the novel to Kindle Scout, one of the winner goodies from NaNo, they won’t accept it because The Sorceress is still not done. It’s not ready for publishing yet, and I don’t even know anyone who wants to design the book cover for it. I want to pitch it to Marvel as much as I want to, just like Super Frost, but I feel like every idea I send will get shot down and I’ll be back at square one.

And the crochet sales? Still nothing. No views, no orders, no sales. I’ve even extended the sale until Christmas Eve, and I increased the percentage value off to 30-40% off purchases.

Doesn’t anyone want to buy anything pretty for Christmas?!?!?!?!?

Ok, you want desperate, I’ll be desperate. PLEASE buy my beautiful crochet items on! If you buy anything, you are making a donation to help me with my mental illness! You are helping my family afford a better Christmas! My parents don’t have enough money to buy presents this year!

If you buy all five Chocolate Writing Gloves, I will make a donation to NaNoWriMo, supported by the nonprofit, Office of Letters and Light! It’s a very good cause!

Please help my father afford his medicine for asthma and high blood pressure! My parents have no health insurance because of the asshole president named Scrump. My dad still hasn’t seen a doctor to refill his prescriptions and right now, and his primary doctor just kicked him out for no reason at all. If you buy anything on Etsy from me, I will make sure I give him that money to see a new doctor so he won’t DIE. My dad is only 56. Please don’t let him die during the holidays.

Ok, that’s enough desperation. I am going to GoFundMe.

-The Lady in the Blue Box


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