The only good news I have for everyone is: this is my first post of the new year.

I know. It sounds depressing already.

Today, I had to get my blood drawn, because the skinny little stick I call a “doctor” called me OBESE (I’m 5′ even, 152 pounds, and a body mass index, BMI, of 30.1. My Aunt Tracy was near my height and she was 600 pounds when she died- I call that obese), and she ordered me to starve myself for 10-12 hours for one day to get tested for diabetes. What the hell was her problem? Did someone spit in her soy skim coffee?

I’m sorry, I hate skim milk. I love all kinds of chocolate. I love pizza (in small amounts) and I think a glass of alcohol in moderation at Christmas or New Year’s is healthy. I also believe soda is good on a sour or acid stomach, and it mixes well in cocktails, but I’d rather not drink it every day.

I drink water every day. I eat my vegetables. I try to eat whole grains. The only thing that’s been bugging me is the ice weather- frozen tundra weather in Baltimore for almost three weeks since December, there was no way I would be able to walk to the library and get some exercise in that weather.

My dad gave me an ultimatum on New Years Day. “Go for a walk- I don’t care how cold it is out there and I don’t care if it rains- and walk outside every damn day. It’s not because of the medicine that’s making you fat, it’s YOU. You’re lazy. I lost my sister when she was in her 40s and I’ve lost 30 pounds since then. You can do that too. If you don’t, you’ll get diabetes, you’ll become as fat as my sister was, and you’ll die just like her. So dammit, exercise. Stop giving up.”

I’m pretty much paraphrasing. I’m under 200 pounds, so really I shouldn’t have anything to worry about, right? I am trying to tone my belly and go down a few inches every night. I’m also cutting back on sugar and starches. Friend of mine who has diabetes says type two is caused by consuming TONS of sugar, especially from soda.

Besides, my doctor who prescribed me my medicine wanted to put me on Seroquel and Abilify at first, but the side effects are practically the same as Latuda. Pretty much all mental health medicines cause weight gain, and here’s the thing: the weight does NOT come off! (Unless you’re an alien like the Kardashians or you’re a scrawny supermodel who exercises too much and doesn’t eat enough to compensate.)

But that’s enough about that. I went on two walks in the ice weather this morning and I went on another walk yesterday when it was even colder and meaner. The sun was shining and beautiful yesterday and today, but the breeze and winds were death. I just don’t want to die a horrible, obese person, crushing my boyfriend when we kiss, breaking the bed frame, or not being able to fit through my front door. I am not an elephant and I don’t want to look like one.

Also, I really hate the word diabetes, both forms of it. I want to eat dark chocolate without dying or guilt.

The second thing I have to bring up: this morning on my way to Wegman’s, I got a phone call from the place I interviewed in December. I have been dying to hear back from them, impatiently waiting for a response to my inquiry about if there was any chance that I got the job.

They finally told me in a single sentence: “We’ve decided to go with another applicant.”

They destroyed my ego right there without even needing to say the words, “I’m sorry.” So, yeah, the dream job gave me the finger and said, “You are unhireable. I hope you never get a job and all the rats mourn your corpse.”

But they did apologize and they said goodbye. The tea I bought (my favorite- chocolate mint oolong from Stash) was $2.89 when I thought it was $2.69, and it was also on the wrong shelf. And to top it all off, one of the heaters in this library is broken and it’s 22 degrees out.

Today is not my day.

If only there were more jobs out there like Diamond Comics. There is one other job I can apply for on their website, but it’s an internship. I don’t know if there will be any payment.

I’m still losing hope. I’ve lost so much hope already.

-The Lady in the Blue Box


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