There was a little too much that happened in the last month, and it made me think about stuff.

In the last three weeks since my last post (before my letters to authors edition), my dad has gone to the hospital for gout, where he stayed in a hospital room for six days, and our Charm City Trivia team made it to the playoffs, went to the playoffs, and won the playoff game, first time in years.

There was also a winter storm two weeks ago and the libraries were closed for three days. I couldn’t even see my therapist that week because my ride didn’t want to drive me there in the icy conditions. So I stayed home all week.

I probably should have gone in to the hospital for my appointment that Thursday as promised. I needed to talk about something personal with someone.

Last night, my boyfriend decided to give me a viewing of some episodes of the Netflix series Bojack Horseman. I’ve been trying to put into words how I feel about the show, but I will say that I am currently not a fan of the show at this time because I know what it’s like to be humiliated and tormented by other people, while also watching the same thing happen to people I love. I won’t say whom.

I thought for a long time that the animated show was another instrument of torture like Family Guy. But the difference is, Bojack is more centered around psychology and philosophy. The title character Bojack is a horse that has depression, even though the diagnosis is never said in the entire show, and he’s a troubled celebrity actor who’s always got a long face (you see the satire, right?) and is often wondering “what is my place in life?”

For the full philosophical approach, see the Wisecrack video >>>

The gist of it is, there is an approach to every kind of situation as far as people who don’t believe in God. The show has a situation where nobody believes in God, and there is no such thing as religion to help people get through life. For most people (and animals) on this show, most people distract themselves with drinking, drugs and sex; commit suicide, or accept their chaotic lives and just be happy.

I guess what my boyfriend was trying to say to me halfway through season three of this show is everyone needs and wants something to be happy.

Probably my favorite scene in Pushing Daisies is this one:

In that scene, Chuck Charles asks her boyfriend Ned the big question in life: “What do you need to be happy?” after Ned explains that all stuff is meaningless when we say we want a list of things hundreds of miles long, and everybody wants all that. But life is truly meaningless unless we have something that truly  makes us happy.

And when Chuck asks him the question, Ned answers, “You,” ending the episode on a positive note that finding someone we love can truly make us happy.

There are a lot of things that came into my mind at some point. There were a couple things I learned from reading a health textbook in health class at college while I was getting my gen eds out of the way to transfer to Towson University. It said in the back of the book, “What defines happiness?” It said that having children and a family didn’t exactly make us happy, and money didn’t make us happy unless we were dipped and covered in it. What makes people happy is having companionship, such as romantic attachments, spouses and most of all, friends.

What also makes us happy is some of the movies we watch. According to the AFI’s top 100 funniest comedies, Airplane! sits at the number 10 spot and is regarded by hospitals as one of the funniest movies to watch for mental health patients. Among the top 20 are some of my favorites: Singin’ in the Rain, Duck Soup, His Girl Friday, A Night at the Opera, The Producers and number one, my favorite of Marilyn Monroe, Some Like it Hot.

Of the rest of the 100 movies, I’d have to say my favorite is number 80, Woody Allen’s Sleeper, because it’s a futuristic America where everything is all screwed up and nothing makes sense, so Woody Allen, playing the Rip Van Winkle character of the story, he finds that there is nothing anything could amount to except sex and death. It made me laugh until I fell off the couch. Some Robin Williams movies are also on that list, of course, because they’re classic Robin Williams hilarity.

I still want My Favorite Year and Army of Darkness to be on that top 100 list because they were hilarious as well. My Favorite Year was my favorite Peter O’Toole performance, for he was nominated for an Oscar the year it opened, and it was one of the greatest art movies done about the art of making movies and live comedy. (Takes place in New York, at 30 Rock where The Tonight Show and SNL are filmed)

And I still don’t get the joke in Airplane! about that poor single woman who cries over the fact that she’s not married, then another woman comes in and says, “I’m scared, but at least I have a husband,” and makes the single girl sob hysterically. For a long time, I never thought that was funny and I still don’t because I used to be upset that I didn’t have someone to love. I used to be in that single girl’s shoes.

My mother said, “You’ll learn to laugh at it when you’re older.”

Probably the joke I get is in Four Weddings and a Funeral, where Lydia the bridesmaid was promised sex and she was hung up on being a lowly, lonely single bridesmaid. The next thing you know, she’s making out with Bernard, one of the servers at the wedding, and the very next year, Hugh Grant shows up at their wedding and walks in on their intimate consummating moment.

I guess you could say that television and movies are a distraction. But in other ways, it can make people happy. For a lot of reasons, Bojack Horseman doesn’t make me laugh and it doesn’t even make me smile. It makes me think about my life and how it depresses me, how I’m not getting a job, and how people have stabbed me in the back.

But like Sleeper, and like the philosophy analysis by Wisecrack, there is the element of Nihilism and accepting of the absurd. Most people have to get rid of distraction, say no to killing themselves, and just accept that everything is meaningless until you get older.

Every day, I’m learning something new. You can do the same. All of my friends are teachers in their own way. So are your friends and families. This is why I go to support group, even though I’m going to miss this week’s meeting to go to the trivia finals in Pasadena, Md.

I’ve told my therapist I’m hoping that my 30th year is my supernova year, that it will be an awesome explosion of creativity and greatness that can go one of two ways. It can become a soul sucking black hole of despair, more backstabbing people, failure and depression. Or, it can become a blue or white dwarf, a smaller star shining in the cosmos with hope of making a nebula, and turning into a new solar system, with the promise of tomorrow.

I really want it to be a white dwarf, and never a black hole.

I guess we’ll see how this spring and summer goes. But I really don’t know yet.

-The Lady in the Blue Box

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